


Gone To Soon

by MusicLover6661



Category: Avenged Sevenfold, Bratt - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Romance, Suicide, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-04 09:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12165960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLover6661/pseuds/MusicLover6661
Summary: After losing Val in a horrible car wreck Matt becomes too comatose to function in societyhis parents, afraid he'll do something drastic put him into therapy where they hope it will help himbut what happens when he starts to try and live again?+





	1. Chapter 1

They had to plan the funeral for me, I couldn't bare to see her body mangled. She had gone threw the windshield from what the paramedics told me when I arrived at the hospital. Her parents were the first to see her, her mothers horrified cries would haunt my dreams for months. A drunk driver had come out of nowhere when she was on her way home and T-boned her, causing the car to spin out of control and crash into a pole. She was killed on contact, so she didn't have to suffer in pain. The rest of us though, we all struggled to move on. Me though? I couldn't move on, she was the woman I had given my heart to and she was ripped from my hands in a matter of minutes. 

Her parents didn't speak to anyone after the funeral, they needed time to mourn. Time to overcome their daughters death, sure they still had her twin, but how could they bare to look at her without seeing their deceased daughter? I couldn't even face her, I locked myself away until I was forced to move back in with my parents, I wasn't too sure what was more embarrassing. Losing my job, or moving back in with my parents because I had become to comatose that I couldn't go more than ten minutes without seeing her body in the casket. She looked so peaceful, like she was happy with what happened. The ring I had bought was collecting dust in my dresser, I couldn't tell anyone about it. They would tell me to sell it since she was gone, but it was the only thing I truly had left. Her sister had put away most of her belongings in storage to keep them in safe keeping. As time went on and her parents started to come around more, even if it was once a month. People began to remember her in a positive light instead of a depressed and dark one. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that, I needed her by my side and I wasn't allowed to have that. 

So doing what little they could, my parents called a therapist. Now you may be asking yourself, what thirty-six year old man let's his parents push them into seeing a therapist? Well, one that has become depressed and suicidal. Of course I had refused to go for quite a while, they wouldn't be able to understand my struggles, they would just sit there silently and judge me. My mom nearly had to drag me to my first session, which is kind of surprising since she's such a small woman. I guess if it made them feel better, I could at least try.

“I'll be waiting out here when you're done Matt, but please” My mother held my face gently, her eyes welling up with tears slightly.  
“I promised I would try mom” I held my hands over hers and smiled, or at least tried to.

She smiled softly and let go of my face before taking a seat in one of the chairs against the wall, the fabric looked soft but I wasn't here for interior decorating. I was here to help give my mom and dad peace of mind. Even if it meant opening up to a stranger.

“Matthew Sanders?” A soft voice called into the room, a young woman was holding a manila folder, her glasses perched on the end of her nose. Definitely cute.  
“That's me” I walked over, my palms sweating profusely, this was going to turn into a nightmare.  
“Come inside and take a seat, the doctor will be in a moment” She walked inside and placed the folder on a small desk that was located more towards the wall, near two large windows that let in the sun. 

I nodded slightly and sat down in a plush chair, it had a high back which was nice. At least I could be somewhat comfortable while I was basically interrogated. I'm surprised the woman I just saw wasn't the therapist, must be the receptionist for this place, she looked like a young college student at the oldest, and here I was trying to be a creep.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, I was making myself a cup of coffee” The therapist walked into the room from a different door and set down the mug that was in his hand on the coffee table nearby.

Huh, I hadn't noticed that when I walked into the room earlier, actually there seemed to be a lot I hadn't noticed about the room.

“It's no trouble, I just got here actually” I pushed myself up more, I didn't want to slouch in the chair and seem like a grouch the entire time.  
“My names Brian, you must be Matt” Brian, it suited him.  
“Yes, my mom's the one who made the appointment, she was concerned for me” I wrung my hands together and sighed. Memories were flooding me in one long rush. It was causing a slight headache.  
“Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself first, start off on a level ground” Brian had a clipboard in his lap, and a pen in his hand. I groaned softly. I loathed talking about myself.  
“Well, my names Matt, I'm thirty-six years old, I live with my parents, I work as a mechanic. Or used to at least, I have a sister who I see a few times a year. I was going to be engaged but” I felt my throat get tight, I shouldn't be talking about this. I should be home in bed where I always was.  
“Take your time, I'm not going to push you into talking about something that's uncomfortable” Brian wrote something onto the paper, his eyes glancing towards me every few seconds.  
“I have a couple best friends, they're both married with children which is funny” I smiled and shook my head, that was supposed to be the happy ending for her and I.   
“Why don't you tell me about them, how did you meet?” Brian moved his clipboard and grabbed the mug off the table.  
“Well I met Zack at a tattoo parlor actually, I was getting tattooed by one of the artists and he happened to be getting tattooed by someone else. And I noticed one of his tattoos and the conversation just flowed from there” Zack was one of the only friends who regularly checked up on me, he had a wife and a son and he still tried to make sure I hadn't offed myself.  
“He seems like a cool guy” Brian was back to writing, his mug now on the small table next to his chair.  
“He really is, then there's Johnny, I've known the kid since I was a kid myself. He was a troublemaker when we were younger, always getting into fights since people teased him all the time about his height. The guy's really short so I can see why, but one day I went to his defense and we just started hanging out after a few weeks. And the rest is history really” It was crazy at how comfortable I was around Brian already, maybe it was because he didn't try and pry into my head.  
“You said they were married with children, correct?” Brian looked over at me, his eyes curious.  
“Yes, they both got married around three years ago, Zack had a little boy about a year after and Johnny just had a little boy with his wife. They're both really lucky” I bit my lip hard as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't cry about her anymore, it had been at least nine months since everything happened.

Brian quietly handed me a box of tissues and sat back against his seat without another word, he was probably used to people breaking down in front of him. Although I'm sure not all of them looked like they could kill a man with there bare arms. I wiped my eyes with the tissue and sighed, it felt so foolish to be talking about all of this. I wouldn't be coming back.

“Do you have any kids Matt?” I was stunned, surely he was kidding. But then again he didn't know me.  
“No, my girlfriend and I talked about one day having children until she...until she passed away” I wiped away the tear that streamed down my cheek and grimaced.  
“I'm so sorry, that must've been very hard on you I can imagine” Brian set his pen down and sipped his coffee slowly.  
“It still is to be honest, I can't sleep without seeing her face, or hearing her voice when I'm by myself. I feel like I'm going crazy all the time” It was true, she plagued every fiber of my being, and no matter what I tried, she wormed her way back in.  
“Is that why you're here today?” Brian glanced over at the clock and set the clipboard down next to his coffee, he had written nearly a page in the time we had talked.  
“It is, my parents are concerned I'll kill myself” I said it so nonchalantly that it scared even me. Brian didn't even flinch.  
“I can see why, unfortunately that's all the time we have for today. If you would like to make another appointment just stop by Natalie's desk on your way out” Brian stood up and held out his hand for a handshake. I gripped his hand firmly and shook it. 

The more I thought about it what damage would it be to make one more appointment? Maybe it could help with other past issues.

I walked out of the room and walked up to what I assumed was Natalie's desk, she was typing frantically on her computer. I wonder how many people she saw come through this office daily.

“Would you like to make another appointment Mr. Sanders?” She looked up from the computer, her eyes the most distinct shade of green.  
“Yes please, same time as today for next week if possible” I heard my mom gasp softly, I was doing exactly what she wanted. She didn't need to worry about me, or my declining mental health.

She wrote down the time and date on a small card and handed it to me before wishing me a good rest of my day. If it was only that easy.


	2. 2

It felt weird going back to his office, was I entirely sure I wanted to open up anymore and possibly bring up more trauma? What if he alerted authorities that I was suicidal and had me put into a hospital until they felt as if I was better? I couldn't go back, I wasn't crazy like the rest of them. I was just upset at losing my girlfriend is all, nothing crazy about that. So what if I tried to down a bottle of pills while drinking a bottle of scotch? I just didn't want to hurt anymore, I wanted to feel completely numb. I wanted to feel happy.

“Your mother told me you tried to commit suicide” Brian was looking at me over his glasses. It felt as if he was silently judging me, but I'm sure he was expecting a reason why.  
“I did, my friend Zack found me lying on my bedroom floor with a bottle of sleeping pills in one hand and an empty bottle of scotch by my feet” I laced my fingers together and looked at him, there was no point in denying the truth.  
“Does it have to deal with the death of your girlfriend? Or something new?” Brian looked down at his paper as he wrote, he knew damn well it was about Val.  
“Her death, I just didn't want to feel anymore pain. I wanted to wake up and just feel like a normal person for once” I squeezed my fingers together and frowned, my knuckles turning white under the pressure.  
“You wanted to be free of pain?” Brian had stopped writing, his eyes locked onto me.  
“I did, she died because some asshole decided to drink and drive. He took away the only person that ever truly mattered to me in a matter of minutes” I ground my teeth together, barely spitting the words out. I felt more anger at the man who got away with her murder more than anything. His parents were rich, so he was able to get off scot free while the rest of us had to suffer!

Brian sat back against his chair and watched me, as if he was trying to decipher my thoughts, or actions at this point. I wasn't entirely sure what I should tell him anymore, there was no way he would ask about my friends and how they came into play anymore. He wanted to know about me, and why I was the way I am. It's just that I didn't want to talk about myself anymore, I wanted to crawl back into the dark place I was in and hide. This was never supposed to happen, I was supposed to grow old with Val by my side, maybe have some kids. And yet I couldn't have that, I had to accept everything that happened and I didn't want to. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be alright in the end.

“Matt, can we continue the session or would you like to end early?” Brian's voice was full of concern. He was only trying to make sure I was alright, at least someone besides my mother noticed.  
“We can continue” I mumbled softly, I was starting to feel bad for lashing out.  
“Last time we talked about your friends seemed to help, why don't you talk about them some more?” Brian had kept his gaze on me, never even glancing down to the sheet of paper on his lap.  
“Well, Johnny just told me him and his wife are expecting their second child. His wife is hoping for a girl, though I don't blame her. One Johnny is enough in the world” I chuckled, I could hear her bitching at him when Johnny had called with the news. Their son was a handful, and since he was crawling he tried to get into as much trouble as possible.  
“What's his wife like? Do you like her?” Brian had picked up his clipboard and pen again, I knew he wasn't assuming I felt anything for her.  
“She's great, helps keep him level headed since he used to be a real shithead when we were younger, especially when he drinks. He would get into trouble with the cops at least four out of five times. But when he met her, it was like he knew all that stuff wasn't important anymore. Of course he made a bad first impression and she thought he was a total dick” I shook my head and laughed, it was really a sight to see.  
“It seems like he made it up to her though, considering they got married and had children” Brian was writing as he talked, I wondered if I said something and made him mess up.  
“He did, he actually came to my girlfriend and asked for some advice, and since they were friends she decided to help him out. He cleaned himself up, and asked her on a date not even a day later. And the rest is history. She was head over heels for him” I said frowning slightly, I wouldn't forget the day Johnny came to my house begging for help. Val was so full of happiness to help him and see our friends happy together. What I wouldn't give to have her back.  
“What about Zack, how did his wife and him meet?” Brian had set down his clipboard and cupped his hands together in his lap.  
“He was actually hired to do some modeling a few years ago for a friend of ours, nothing too serious, and she was the model that he worked with that day. He of course thought she was stunning and offered to take her out for coffee, she agreed and they started dating about two weeks after that. He proposed after six months, thought he was absolutely crazy. But when you see them together you just know, he looks at her as if she is the only person in the world” My heart stuttered slightly as I grabbed my chest.   
“From what I've heard, you have some really great friends Matt” Brian's eyes were full of compassion, I wondered what his life was like outside of this office. Did he have a good family and friends? Or did he become a therapist to help people like me?  
“I do, they deserve way better than to have someone like me as a friend though. After all I've put them through” I said as I shook my head, they had their own lives to worry about. Hell Johnny's wife had their new baby to worry about.  
“You shouldn't say that, they're going to worry about you because they care” Brian was right, I was just being an emotional idiot.

I glanced over at the clock and frowned, our time was almost up which meant I'd have to leave and go back to remembering that I'm a fuck up. Brian seemed to notice the shift in the air, his body stiffening slightly. It made me even more curious about him now, did he have someone else coming in that made him uncomfortable? As I opened my mouth to ask the question he stood up, gesturing that our time was up before he was standing at the door. I said a quick goodbye and set up another appointment with Natalie. Her body language was just as stiff and uncomfortable. So maybe I was right after all.

I left and headed on my way to Johnny's place, he had wanted to hang out and have a few drinks to talk about the new baby. I wasn't opposed to it, just the thought of seeing him and his wife happy together was enough to make my stomach turn. I should've lied and said I wasn't feeling well and headed home instead, less awkward that way. As I pulled into the driveway I sighed, Johnny was standing on his porch smoking. I remembered his wife smacking him with a sandal because he tried to smoke in the house, so now whenever he did smoke he had to do it outside. I stepped out of the car and walked up to his porch slowly, I hoped he wasn't going to ask about therapy. It wasn't something I was proud of.

“Hey short shit” I chuckled at the middle finger he gave me as he flicked his cigarette but into the ashtray.  
“Come on, I don't want the neighbors staring anymore” Johnny walked inside quickly, I followed suit and shut the door. 

Their house was perfect, the living room was right off the entrance, it was spacious where their son was able to crawl around and get exercise. But also large enough where they could fit a couch, loveseat, and a recliner comfortably. The kitchen was down a small hall off the right of the den that they converted into a dining room. I always made jokes that him and his wife didn't need the space since they were both so small. I never tried to wander around in their house though, didn't want to seem like I was snooping. His wife was humming softly as she cooked, how he managed to snag someone like her was beyond me. She was everything he wanted in a wife, same music taste, shorter than him, and she had spunk. She definitely didn't take his shit either, she spoke her mind when she needed to even if it would piss off Johnny.

“Matt! It's so good to see you sweetie” Krista, Johnny's wife turned with a bright smile and set down the spoon she was stirring the soup with.  
“Hey, Johnny invited me over for some drinks” I walked over and hugged her tight. I had always wondered what would've happened if she hadn't of gone on that date with Johnny.  
“He warned me beforehand, but don't be making a ruckus or being too loud this time please” She playfully patted my cheek and went back to fixing their dinner. 

I could see Johnny standing in the doorway watching her, anyone with half a brain could see he was madly in love with her. He would do anything for her, and unfortunately I wasn't exaggerating. I chuckled and leaned against the counter and crossed my arms as Johnny slowly snuck up behind her before he wrapped his arms around her waist. She screamed and jumped before playfully smacking his arm with the wooden spoon she held. It hurt to watch them, to see how in love they were. To see everyone else happy but me.

“Why don't you and Matt go relax? Dinner will be done in a few” She kissed his cheek and held her hand on the small bump that was her belly. They must've waited until after her first trimester to tell everyone she was pregnant.

Johnny nodded his head and went down into the basement, I followed suit and sat down in one of the leather chairs. I always hated how squeaky they were when no one had sat in them for a while. Johnny crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrow. I frowned and wiped my hands on my pants. I didn't want to do this with his wife upstairs.

“Johnny, I can't keep doing this” I looked up at him nervous, this was only going to cause problems in the end.  
“You're the one with the addiction, do you know how often I've had to lie to Krista to cover for you?” Johnny glared, a scowl on his face.  
“I've been trying to stop, it just feels like every time I see that therapist he brings up all my demons” I looked down at the small baggie and sighed. It was taunting me, calling my name as if it were trying to seduce me. 

And in the end it always won, I would never be able to beat this, I would just crawl back like the pathetic person I was and cry to myself when I couldn't overcome anything. My therapist would never know this side of me. No one but Johnny knew the truth. And no one else was going to know this about me. I picked up the dollar bill and rolled it up, my palms sweating as I snorted a line without even flinching. I could hear Johnny hiss under his breath, he couldn't understand my infatuation anymore. Hell no one knew why I was the way I was. Why I defended my friends even when I knew they were wrong. Why I went to the bar and got blackout drunk and slept in the backseat of my car. Why I tried to kill myself instead of seeking help all that time ago. I snorted at least three more lines and sat back against the chair. The high taking over my body as I tried to relax, Johnny threw a rag at me and grimaced in disgust. 

I didn't blame him though, if his wife were to ever find out why we spent so much time together she'd probably leave him. Even if it was all because of me, she couldn't have drugs around her children. I wiped beneath my nose and sighed at the blood. It had been happening more and more, which is why I stopped coming over as often. But when I heard the news of a new baby I just snapped, I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

“Should probably break out that bottle of whiskey so she doesn't get suspicious” I tucked the rag into my pocket and chuckled when Johnny rolled his eyes and stood up. He had kept all the alcohol locked up to prevent anything bad happening.  
“She'll probably invite you to stay for dinner, if you want” Johnny kept his back to me as he poured two glasses, filling his more just slightly.  
“I don't want to feel like I'm intruding” I took the glass as Johnny walked back over, sipping the dark liquid slowly.  
“You're not, she's just excited about the baby and wants to talk as much as she can” Johnny swirled his glass, watching it intently.  
“I'm not going to come over here to do it anymore, it's causing a strain on you. And that's the last thing either of you need right now” I set my glass down on the table and watched him. His eyebrows shot up as he looked at me.  
“Matt, the only reason I allow you to do it at my house is because at least that way I can keep an eye on you, make sure you don't overdo it like you usually do” Johnny tightened his grip on the glass and glared at me again.  
“I know, but this is clearly becoming too much, it needs to stop before things get out of hand” I would quit cold turkey if it gave him more peace of mind.  
“Matt please, you're my best friend and you're talking like a mad man right now” Johnny stood up and paced the room, as if it would give him the answers he needed.  
“I'm going to quit Johnny, this is doing everyone more harm than good right now” I stood up and watched him flinch slightly, was he scared of me?

He shook his head and looked over at me, but before either of us could say anything Krista had announced dinner was done. It was our cue that the conversation was over. Although there was definitely some unfinished business it would have to wait until later.

“I'm still hoping for a girl, we'll find out in a little over a month” Krista was excitingly telling me about their new baby, her hand never leaving her small belly.  
“For your sake, I'll hope for a girl too” I smiled as Johnny retorted with a loud 'Hey!'.  
“It's gonna be another boy, just you watch” Johnny stuffed his mouth with another forkful of food and smiled. That man could never be serious for more than five minutes.  
“Well I'm sure Zack's wife will try for another baby, that way they can all grow up and be friends” I sipped my glass of water and thought about what Val and I's children would've looked like.

Would they have had her eyes or mine? Her slim and sleek nose or my more bulbous one? I shook the thought from my head and continued eating. The conversation flowed seamlessly as if there was no tension in the air. Either that, or no one noticed my wallowing. It wasn't about me tonight though, it was about my friends and that's what mattered. Maybe that's what I could talk about in therapy when I went back. Tell Brian all about how I played with their son, and him crawling all over me excitedly.

His little chubby cheeks pulling up into the most adorable smile. Or how we'd both fallen asleep on the couch cuddled together. Only for me to wake up in the middle of the night to a blanket on myself and the sounds of two people having sex. No I wouldn't bring that up. I'd bring up the positive things and hope he couldn't see me falling apart inside. I hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been a surprising thing for me, i wasn't expecting to write a second chapter for a while but inspiration hit me  
> so let me know what you guys think and what you think might happen


	3. 3

“Brian's still with a client, if you could just have a seat he'll be done shortly” Natalie had gestured to the chairs that my mom had sat in the first time I ever came here.

I nodded and went over to sit down, they weren't as soft as I had expected. In fact they were rather stiff and uncomfortable. Hopefully I wouldn't have to wait too long.

“Where the fuck is that bastard?!” A man came barging into the office, his face red with anger and his hands clenched into fists at his side.  
“Sir, you're going to have to leave” Natalie already had the phone in her hand and dialed what I assumed was 911.  
“No, I know he's in there, and I'm not leaving til he comes out and talks to me like a fucking man” I tried to get a better look at the man who had stormed into the office without seeming obvious. He was probably drunk, or high, or both.  
“Thank you for coming today Julie, I'll see you again next week” Brian was standing in the doorway to his office with what I assumed was his client. He hadn't seemed to notice the man seething with anger.  
“Brian fucking Haner, you bastard” The man walked closer but kept a few feet between them, letting the woman run by and out of the office.  
“Jim, why are you here? You know I'm working, why can't we talk about this later?” Brian seemed like he was pleading with the man.  
“Oh so you can hide from me again? I'm your fucking husband and you're hiding from me like a coward!” Jim lifted his hands as if he was going to strike Brian, who looked terrified to say the least.  
“The divorce was settled six months ago, you need to move on” Brian was clearly trying to stand his ground, even though the man had a good six inches on him.  
“I need to move on? You left when I fucking needed you most all because you claimed I had a drinking problem” The thought hit me like a ton of bricks, he was the man that killed Val.  
“James please, we will talk about this later I promise” Brian put up his hands in defense, no in surrender.

Jim smiled and chuckled, my blood was boiling. All I could see was red, I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat until he could no longer breathe. I wanted to make him suffer the same way I was.

“You murdered a woman I loved, because you chose to get behind the wheel of a car you ungrateful fuck” I stood up and walked over to where he stood, he scoffed.  
“And who the fuck are you?” Before I even blinked my fist had collided with his jaw, sending him sprawling onto the floor unconscious.  
“The pissed off boyfriend of a girl you murdered” I wiped the back of my hand against my jeans and looked at Brian who looked as if he was going to have a panic attack.

Cops rushed into the room, their guns drawn demanding everyone get down on the ground. I dropped down next to Brian and stayed quiet. I knew if I opened my mouth things wouldn't go in a positive way for me. They never did, I was told I had a temper and a mouth to match. The cops saw Jim's unconscious body on the floor and turned to look at Brian and I. That was going to be fun to explain without sounding like an asshole. Fortunately for us Natalie had kept the dispatcher on the phone who was able to confirm that Jim had come in to attack Brian, and I came to his defense. So once they took him out of the office Brian offered to buy me a coffee or anything as a thank you for saving his ass.

“You don't need to buy me anything Brian, he deserved a lot worse than to be knocked out cold” Brian and I were currently in his office where we could have a little more privacy. He had canceled all of his appointments for the rest of the day so he wouldn't have to deal with anyone asking why he seemed so panicky.  
“Still, you kept me from getting my ass beat, I need to repay for that” Brian had propped himself against his desk, I never realized how lean he was. He must workout after he finished working.  
“So he was your husband? Or ex I should say” Brian seemed taken aback, he must not be used to people asking about his personal life.  
“Umm, yeah. We were married for about five years before his drinking got out of hand and I filed for divorce. And I guess he just never moved on, that doesn't make you uncomfortable does it? That I'm gay?” Brian had pushed himself more up onto his desk. He probably lost a lot of clients due to his sexuality.  
“Of course not, I'm actually bi myself” It felt so easy to talk to Brian, and now that I could show him more of myself, well it felt pretty damn good.  
“Well since you won't let me buy you a coffee, what about dinner?” Brian had a semi hopeful expression on his face. I was floored. He was asking me on a date? But wasn't that against all policies since I was a patient? I mean it would be nice.  
“I'd love to” I smiled at the shocked expression that crossed his features. Granted I wouldn't be able to see him as a therapist anymore. But maybe it would put my parents mind at ease, and my friend's as well.  
“If you're free tonight, there's a place down by my house, they make some of the best cheesy garlic bread I've had in years” He smiled at the thought. I glanced at the clock and nodded, it was still early enough that I'd be able to shower and look more presentable.  
“Do I need to wear something nice? Or is it more casual?” I asked, my wardrobe wasn't something to be proud of, I wore the same six shirts.  
“Button up at the least, nothing too fancy” Brian's smile was infectious, it was slowly worming it's way into my heart.  
“Since you know where the place is, pick me up at seven?” I raised my eyebrow in what felt like a flirtatious manner as I stood up from the chair. The quicker I could get home, the sooner I could find something nicer to wear than a holey band tee and jeans that were from my highschool days.  
“I'll see you then Matt” Brian said, winking as I left the office.

I left the building feeling nervous, excited, but most of all I was happy. I hadn't been able to truly feel anything in months, what would my parents think when I told them I had a date with my therapist? They knew about my sexuality, I wasn't flaunting it every second I got but they accepted and loved me no matter what. When I walked into the house feeling better than I could imagine, I stopped dead in my tracks. Val's sister Michelle was sitting in the living room talking to my mom. Tears were streaming down their cheeks. Her face brought back all those memories of Val. And here I was going on a date when I should've been thinking about her. The woman I still loved.

“Oh honey, you're home early” My mom turned in her seat to face her, her expression concerned when she saw my face.  
“Yeah, session got cut short” I walked passed them both and stood at the bottom of the stairs for a couple seconds. I should've just called Brian and told him the date wasn't going to happen. I couldn't open my heart again, I couldn't get hurt like that again.  
“Matt, what's wrong?” My mom gently placed her hand against my arm, trying to read my expression.  
“I have a date tonight” My voice sounded so monotone, so hollow.  
“Oh, with who?” She sounded surprised, it had been almost a year since Val passed.  
“Brian” I pulled away from her and walked up to my room, leaving her open mouthed shocked.

I showered and brushed my teeth slowly, I didn't want seven o'clock to ever come, I just wanted to pretend I never agreed to the date and forget any of this was going to happen. I debated on shaving, but I didn't want to seem clean cut. That wasn't who I was, I was a rugged guy and anyone who spent longer than five minutes with me knew that. I pulled on the shirt I wore at Val's funeral and buttoned it up slowly, the soft material brushed my arms with each button. I thought it was better to hide my tattoos seeing as I had never been to the restaurant before. Who knows, maybe they didn't care about things like that. I heard a loud knock on the door which alerted me that Brian was actually early, shit. I walked downstairs quickly to try and avoid my parents, unfortunately my dad was the one who had answered the door. He was trying to question why Brian was on our doorstep.

“I'm here to take Matt on a date” He said it with so much confidence that my steps faltered, where was the timid man I saw at his office today?  
“Matt, you didn't tell me you had a date today” My dad had turned to face me, and when he took in my appearance looked ready to cry. I definitely couldn't face my mom now.  
“Oh my goodness! Look how handsome you look baby” My mom walked over and hugged me tight, I was waiting for her to have my dad break out the camera and take pictures of us.  
“Come on Kim, let the poor kid go and enjoy himself” My dad was shaking his head as Brian stood in the doorway and snickered to himself.  
“I just want one picture of the two of them please” I groaned and agreed reluctantly. My mom never took no for an answer. I think she just wanted to remember this as a happy moment.

After a good ten minutes, and about thirty pictures later. Brian and I were on our way to dinner. He seemed fine with how overprotective my mom was. I assured him she just wanted what was best for me and he understood. His step mom was the same way. The restaurant was absolutely stunning, dim light, but not dark enough where you can't see the person you're with. It had a soft glow that helped set the mood. No one even batted an eye when Brian and I were seated at a booth more towards the back, and I was grateful for that.

“So since you know a little bit about me, why don't you tell me about yourself?” I sipped my wine and looked over at him. His cardigan slid up his arm in the slightest to reveal what looked like tattoos.  
“Well, I'm thirty-six, I live alone with my dog, I work as a therapist. I used to be married as you saw today, I have an older brother and a younger sister. I play guitar in my spare time, which isn't very often anymore” He blushed slightly and sipped his drink. It looked beautiful on him.

The conversation flowed from there easily, whether we were talking about our childhood or something we did just last week. It felt like I had known him my entire life rather than just a few short weeks. Is this what love was supposed to feel like? No cares in the world? Just spending time with them and enjoying every second of it? There were things in the back of my mind though, what if he found out about my coke habit and refused to keep seeing me? I had tried to quit cold turkey but the withdrawals were killer and caused so much pain. I hadn't been to Johnny's house since that night either, I had him drop everything off at my house so if I were to get caught I'd own up to it.

“Would you like dessert? Or are you stuffed like me?” I looked up at Brian and smiled, I could've had dessert, but I wanted to spend some alone time with him.  
“Nah I'm definitely stuffed” I said patting my stomach softly, normally I'd have a food baby if I ate the way I normally did.

Brian set down money for the check and tip and stood up, I was curious at how much dinner cost since the prices weren't listed on the menus themselves. Maybe I could ask him when we were back in his car. I wrapped my arm around his waist as we waited for the valet, he leaned into my side and sighed softly. It didn't sound upset or angry though, he seemed very content. When valet pulled up Brian handed the man a twenty and got into the drivers seat as I got into the passengers seat. He pulled out of the parking lot and drove around for a little while, it felt nice to not worry for once. No worries about needing to be somewhere.

I laid my hand across his thigh and smirked at the blush that spread across his face and neck. He must definitely not get out very much if my simple touches made him all hot and bothered. As the time grew late Brian decided it was time for us to go our separate ways for the night. Except I didn't want him to leave, I wanted to spend the rest of my night by his side, but I knew that would've been weird.

“Thank you for tonight, it was honestly the best time I've had in a while” I looked over at him with a smile, it was the truth.  
“Thank you for letting me take you out tonight” Brian smiled as well, looking down at my hand that was still on his thigh.  
“You want to come inside?” I felt so stupid for asking, knowing my parents were either asleep, or up waiting for me in the living room.  
“I would” Brian turned off the car and got out quickly, I followed suit and walked up to the door. Checking to make sure no one was in the living room.

Seeing that the house was dark gave me some peace of mind, I loved my parents but I didn't need them asking questions as to why my date was coming into my room with myself. I walked inside, holding Brian's hand tightly. No lights turned on as we slowly made our way up to my room. Although all of my blood was beginning to rush south. It had definitely been too long.

“Sorry about the mess, I wasn't really expecting anyone to come over” I turned on my desk lamp and plopped down onto my bed. Brian looked around the room, surprised by all the posters I was sure.  
“Don't worry about it, not everyday I go to someone's house I just had a date with” Brian shrugged and took a quiet deep breath in.

I grabbed his waist and pulled him into my lap, so many feelings and thoughts were running through my head as I looked into his deep brown eyes. I decided to bite the bullet and pressed my lips against his own, if he didn't want this he could push me away and leave. But when I felt his lips move against my own, I knew he wanted this just as bad as I did. Maybe even more.


	4. 4

I woke up in the morning to sunshine blinding me, and a warm body cuddled into my back. The memories soon flooding back in and reminding me. I rolled over to face him and smiled, he was snoring softly, and drooling on his arm. I could see his tattoos in all their glory, they were so bright and vivid. I wonder where had gotten them done, maybe I could ask him when he woke up. I slowly slipped out from his grip and stretched. The bones in my back popping loudly. I stood up and pulled on a pair of boxers and sweatpants. I'm sure I was going to have to answer a million questions when I saw my parents, and none of them were going to be easy. The faint smell of eggs and sausage made it's way into my nose as I walked into the kitchen. My mom was frying eggs and sausage in one pant, and pancakes in the other.

“Good morning sweetheart, how'd your date go last night?” She smiled and flipped one of the pancakes, the color a golden brown.  
“It was amazing, I definitely want to keep seeing him” I went over and made myself a cup of coffee, putting in the right amount of cream and sugar for myself.  
“You know your father and I heard you last night right?” Oh god, there it was. The one thing I was dreading to hear.  
“I was hoping we were quiet enough” I blushed deeply and stirred my coffee.  
“We? Oh honey we thought you were alone, oh my goodness is he still here” My mom looked over at the stairs as Brian walked down slowly, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Luckily he had pulled on a pair of my pajama pants so he wasn't half nude.  
“Mmm, good morning everyone” Brian smiled and walked over to where I stood and wrapped his arms around my waist. His skin was so warm still. It felt nice.  
“Good morning Brian, would you like some breakfast?” My mom gestured to the pans in front of her with a small smile, at least she wasn't trying to make it awkward for Brian and I. Considering we slept together just last night.  
“That would be lovely Mrs. Sanders, I haven't had a home cooked meal in a while” Brian rubbed his hands along my stomach and yawned, resting his chin against my shoulder.  
“Well you two make yourselves comfortable while I finish cooking, and please call me Kim” My mom was always trying to make anyone that came into our house feel welcomed.

Brian and I went over to the kitchen table and sat down, I couldn't get over the feeling of pure joy with him around. He knew about my past completely and didn't judge me like other people would. And I had the misfortune of meeting his ex husband who was an asshole. Even when my dad came downstairs I didn't feel like I had to hide anything. Brian and I stayed holding hands and smiling at each other as if no one else was around. My dad didn't even bat an eye at seeing us.

“So, good to know you aren't that loud in bed by yourself” My dad snickered at my horrified expression. Was he serious?  
“Oh like you and mom aren't loud?” I raised my eyebrow as my mom nearly dropped the spatula she was holding. I would embarrass them just as badly as they tried to embarrass me.

My mom turned and smacked my dads arm while Brian and I laughed, at least we tried to be quiet. Them on the other hand couldn't be quiet even if you begged them to. Brian shook his head and smiled, he looked at me and opened his mouth before closing it. There was something he wanted to ask, was he too afraid?

“Whatever you're going to ask, yes” I said quickly, sure it could've been something really bad but I had been living life locked away for a year. It was time for me to live a little.  
“Oh, well thank you, so now that that's out of the way do you want to meet my parents?” My heart definitely skipped a beat, here I was thinking he wanted me to be his boyfriend.  
“You met mine already, so why not?” I laced my fingers with his and felt my heart rate skyrocket. This was a huge deal, way bigger than just having sex on the first date.  
“So, my parents get to meet my boyfriend” Brian said as he squeezed my hand. So he was asking me to be his boyfriend. I wasn't opposed to that at all.

Brian agreed to pick me up and warn his parents that he was bringing over a special guest so they weren't surprised to see someone on his arm when we showed up. Which I'm sure they wouldn't of mind, but someone it's not nice to show up unannounced. I showered, brushed my teeth, and shaved the stubble that was beginning to come in. I wondered if they were going to compare me to his ex husband at all. Seeing as he went from an abusive marriage to sheltering himself off from the dating world entirely. Maybe that's why we clicked so well, because each of us had a reason for what we did, his was abuse and mine was a death. I looked over at the picture I had of Val and I before she passed away. It was one of Zack's famous Halloween parties, she was dressed up as Harley Quinn and I went as the Joker. That was the last time I got to kiss her face, the last time I got to sleep in the same bed as her.

“As much as it hurts without you here, I still know you're watching me from heaven and smiling” I traced her face with my finger and walked out of the room quickly before I started crying. I wanted to be in a good mood when I met Brian's family.

When Brian finally pulled up I yelled a quick goodbye and ran out of the house, I never wanted to be away from him anymore. It was like we were attached by magnets.

“You look absolutely gorgeous right now, you know that?” Brian laced his fingers with mine and headed on the way to his parents house.  
“I could say the same thing about you” It felt natural to feel this way about him, I was never a romantic type. Even with Val I just did what came to mind whenever I wanted to help her feel appreciated.

Brian smiled and rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand.

“So is there anything I should be worried about?” I should've warned him my dad liked to make comments about all of my friends, even things were serious.  
“My dad will definitely try and make a joke about us having sex, as long as my sister isn't in the room. She's almost twenty years old too, so I'm sure she's heard worse jokes from him” Brian rolled his eyes and pulled onto the highway.  
“It's what parents do, they try and make their kids as miserable as possible while making a joke about it” I smiled when he groaned, I was definitely going to expect a few jokes made at my expense.  
“Just think about tonight and when we go back to my place” I squeezed his hand gently and watched the scenery as we drove.

It was nice, to just enjoy Brian's company and watch as we went from the city to what I believes to be the suburbs. The sky was clear with almost little, to no clouds at all. But it didn't feel warm.

“And here we are, just be ready for my step mom to come running out excited. I don't get to visit too often since I work most of the time” Brian pulled into a long driveway and parked behind the first car he saw.

As soon as Brian stepped out of the car a woman came running out of the house squealing excitedly. I stood back and watched with a small smile.

“Oh Brian! It's so lovely to see you” She wrapped her arms tight around his waist and hugged him tight.  
“I missed you too Suzy, are dad and Mac home by any chance?” Brian looked at the woman who couldn't of been any older than my mother.  
“They actually just got home, is this the man you were talking about?” Suzy looked over at me with a curious expression, I smiled at her and waved. I was still a friendly guy.  
“Yes, that's my boyfriend Matt” Brian waved me over as we all walked inside the house, it was kind of like my parents house. Small and quaint, but still comfortable.

Brian walked off in search to find his sister and dad while Suzy and I waited in the living room, she was all smiles.

“He talked about you before, since you were seeing him as a patient. I think he was head over heels for you but too embarrassed to say anything” She gently patted my arm as three pairs of feet came into the living room.

He looked identical to his father, and there was no doubt that him and his sister were related either. His dad, whom I learned was Brian Sr. shook my hand and made a comment about my tattoos. Brian just slapped a hand over his face and groaned loudly.

“Dad, why do you assume that anyone that has tattoos is going to be a thug” Brian crossed his arms over his chest and glared at him.  
“Because your ex had them and look what happened there” Brian Sr. gave him a 'I'm not going to let you screw up again' type of look that made me self conscious.  
“And thanks to Matt, he got arrested again. So please relax” Brian walked over to where I stood and held my hand.  
“So this is the man that changed everything?” Brian Sr. raised an eyebrow, it felt as if there was more to the story than I was being told.  
“Yes, and I'm assuming you're really confused Matt?” Brian asked as he looked at me, I was sure my expression gave away how I was feeling.

He pulled us down so we were sitting on the couch and took a deep breath, I'm sure it couldn't of been that bad.

“Well as you saw and I explained slightly, I was married to a man named James Sullivan. He was a decent man for the beginning of our relationship and marriage, but unfortunately he decided that one day drinking was more important. So after a few months I decided enough was enough and filed for divorce, he didn't take to that too nicely though. He found out where I was staying with a couple friends and beat me so severely I was in a coma for five days. My parents demanded he be put behind bars but he had fled in his car..which is what killed Val” Brian stopped and swallowed, his emotions clearly getting the better of him.  
“I wanted nothing to do with him, especially after I heard he killed someone because he decided to drink and drive. So I moved almost three cities over, got an apartment, a new car. Anything to make sure he wouldn't be able to find me. And then I got a call from your mother saying how concerned she was because of what happened with Val. So I decided to take you as a patient, and it wasn't until I got to know you that I figured out who you were. That James had taken away someone you loved and cared about because he was selfish. And as much as I loathe that man I'm thankful he came to the office the day you were there. Because I'm not sure what would've happened if it had just been Natalie and I.” Brian's voice was shaky at the end, I was scared to what could've happened.  
“All that matters, is that I was there to protect you guys from that monster” I held his cheek in my hand and smiled.

Brian Sr. and Suzy were both quiet, I was sure they had heard the story before, even seen it for themselves. But nothing can truly prepare you to hear that the reason someone you loved and cared about was because they couldn't handle being told no. It didn't matter though, as much as I loved Val, she was taken from me far too soon and there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to go through life keeping her in my heart as a memory. A positive one at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i wasn't expecting to almost finish this story in a day but i was so inspired to write that i just continued until i couldn't  
> so let me know what you guys think and what you think the last two chapters are going to be like!


	5. 5

I looked at the sheet of paper on the desk, my hands sweating. Brian and I were getting our marriage license. Normally we'd be excited for something like this, but we hadn't told anyone we were planning to elope first and then have a reception for everyone else. Sure our families wouldn't hate us for not having a ceremony, but I was scared of what they were going to say about all of this. Brian signed the paper and slid it over to me, the pen shifted slightly before resting back in it's original spot. I grabbed the pen and quickly scribbled out my signature. It was official, after we got it notarized we would be able to elope and be done with everything.

“It'll be fine, my dad already rented the place out. And my mom knows a caterer that can get the food for everything so we'll be just fine” Brian was trying to help me relax about the whole “reception without a wedding” thing, which wasn't easy for him.  
“I guess, I know everyone's a little upset there's no ceremony” I had laced my fingers with his and sighed softly.

We were spending the day with Zack after getting our marriage license, he was busy attending to his little boy who demanded a cup of juice. It began to gnaw at the back of my mind of Brian would ever want to have children. They'd be beautiful if they took after him, but that was a conversation to have in private.

“It's about time you two showed up, Zack and I were starting to think miss prego wasn't going to show up” Meaghan laughed softly and sipped her glass of lemonade while looking at Krista, whose belly looked bigger than the last time we had seen her and Johnny two weeks ago.  
“It's hard carrying this big belly around, the baby has been trying to kick my bladder all day” She sighed and sat down in a chair opposite Johnny, rubbing the underside of her belly.  
“She won't tell me the sex, says she wants me to be surprised when the baby gets here” Johnny had crossed his arms across his chest and rolled his eyes.  
“You'll thank me later, just trust me” She smiled and gently pressed her fingers into the side of her belly, the baby must've been pushing back against her.  
“Do you guys have any names picked out?” Zack had walked out with his son in his arms, his eyes glancing over to Meaghan.  
“We have a few, but we haven't really been able to stick to one yet” She leaned her head back and whined. I sat forward and furrowed my eyebrows slightly.

This didn't seem like normal cramps for a pregnant woman, I had watched her and Meaghan both go through pregnancy once before. And the last time I saw either of them in pain like this, they were in labor within the hour. Brian was busy talking to Zack while I tried to figure out her breathing pattern, she seemed to be doing a routine.

“You're in labor aren't you?” I whispered softly, Krista looked at me shocked but nodded.  
“I don't want to freak out Johnny, my due date isn't for another week” She gripped the arms of the chair and whined louder, it was becoming obvious to everyone else that something was wrong.  
“Come on, I think it's time for us to go to the hospital” I stood up and helped Krista up slowly, her scream of pain caught me off guard. Had I hurt her?  
“Oh fucking shit my water broke!” She leaned over and gripped my arms tight, her breathing quickening slightly.  
“I'll get the car started, make sure she gets outside safely please” Johnny walked out to the cars quickly, leaving the rest of us scared.  
“Just walk slow, these contractions are way worse than last time” She had turned towards the house and started the very slow walk. 

Brian had offered to take Zack's son so he and Meaghan could help round up anything they needed for Johnny or Krista. Unfortunately she wasn't going to listen to anyone but Johnny or I. Once she got into the car Johnny pulled out of the driveway and waited for everyone to follow. I stayed in the back seat with their little boy Aiden.

“Johnny please, if you hit one more bump I will kick you out during the delivery and have Matt help” She was glaring at him as he drove, granted he couldn't help any of the speed bumps once we reached the hospital.  
“I'm sorry babe, they must've added more since Aiden was born” Johnny pulled up to the doors and ran inside, Krista was breathing heavier and crying.  
“Alright miss we're gonna bring you inside and get you all set up” A few nurses had come outside to help get her inside. Now it would just be a waiting game.

Brian and I were sitting in the room quietly while Johnny slept, and Krista ate some ice chips. Aiden was asleep in Brian's lap, and Zack was rocking his son Ryan who had fallen asleep not even five minutes after we arrived. Meaghan smiled and rubbed her small belly softly, they were going to announce their pregnancy but decided to keep the news between everyone until she was showing more considering what had happened.

“This baby is going to be the death of me” Krista set down her cup and laid her head back as she shifted. Her expression was torn between pain and shock.  
“What's wrong?” I stood up and watched as Johnny shifted in his seat.  
“Get the doctor now!' Krista screamed, the baby was coming now whether we liked it or not.

Nurses rushed in and began to set up everything that was needed for the delivery. They set up the stirrups and moved her gown. The doctor walked over and got into position. Johnny stood by her head and whispered encouragingly into her ear.

“I can't do it, it hurts” She cried as the doctor asked her to push again. The babies head was almost out entirely. I couldn't imagine the pain she was in.  
“One more big push and they will be out” The doctor had shifted her hand lower as Krista pushed and cried as the head came out.

I held my hand on Brian's back as I watched the baby fully come out, I now understood why every woman said people should see the miracle of childbirth. Nothing could compare to watching a child be born right in front of your eyes. The nurses took the baby to clean them up while they helped clean up Krista and the bed she was in. I could see Johnny crying and felt my eyes water slightly, I wondered how this felt. To become a parent after so many months.

“Here is your daughter” The nurse brought over a small bundle of pink blankets that held their little girl. I could see the joy in Johnny's eyes as they laid her in Krista's arms.

She was so tiny, barely even seven pounds at the most. Brian leaned into my side and shifted Aiden so he was laying against his right shoulder rather than his left.

“Congratulations you two, she's beautiful” I walked over and patted Johnny's shoulder gently, he nodded and wiped his eyes as he looked at his daughter. He would do everything in his power to love and cherish his kids.  
“Thanks, did you wanna hold her?” Krista had looked up at me, her expression was telling me she was exhausted.  
“Sure” I gently picked up the baby and smiled. She was curled up in what could only call her blanket cocoon. 

I walked over to the chair Johnny had been sleeping in before and sat down. I wanted this for myself, sure Val and I had talked about having children of our own one day but I wasn't getting any younger. I was going to be thirty-seven in a few months so if I wanted to do something I needed to do it now. I looked over at Brian and felt my heart fill with joy, he was playing with Aiden since he had woken up, I wanted that with him. I wanted to grow old and have children of our own. I knew that we were going to get married soon, but what about kids? Brian would be an amazing father, gosh I couldn't get it out of my head.

“Babe, are you okay?” Brian was leaning over where I sat, his eyes full of worry.  
“Yeah I'm fine, just thinking about everything that's happened today” I smiled softly and rubbed my hand along the small body that was in my arms. 

Two small eyes were looking up at me, I was sure Johnny was dying to hold his daughter now, but he was too nice to demand it even with his wife laying two feet away.

“Come take your daughter dude, she needs to be held by her dad” I stood up and chuckled as Johnny nearly ran over to take her from my arms.  
“Matt and I are gonna head out, got some stuff to go over at home” Brian still had his eyes on me, it was starting to make me worry.

We said our goodbyes and congratulations once again before we left the hospital, what else was there to talk about with Brian though? The car ride home was even worse, Brian refused to even acknowledge that our friends had just had a baby. Maybe he just didn't want to have kids, and that's just fine as well. We could just have animals as our children instead. If Brian ever told me what was actually bothering him that is.

“Brian, somethings wrong and you're refusing to tell me” I grabbed his arm and stopped him from going into his office like he tended to do when he was anxious.  
“I can't give you kids Matt, I'm not a woman so I can't just magically pop out a kid after nine months” Brian pulled his arm from my grip and went into his study.  
“I know that Brian, we can adopt or get a surrogate. Or not have children at all, it's not a big deal” I went into his study and stopped in my tracks. 

There were files of papers on surrogacy, adoption, you name it and it was there. So he was thinking about having kids and was afraid of talking to me about it? Well that definitely hurt a little bit.

“Meaghan is pregnant with our child Matt, I've been talking to her and Zack about it for a few months and I didn't expect things to happen so fast. The doctor said the egg sticking was very slim but it did, so in about six months we're going to be parents and I feel like the biggest piece of shit for not telling you” Brian rubbed his face roughly, the information slowly sinking in. I was going to be a father.  
“I should be super pissed off you didn't tell me first, but I'm really excited” I walked over and wrapped my arms around Brian and rested my cheek on his shoulder.  
“She won't be able to find out the sex for a couple more months, but we're having a baby” Brian looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes trying to read my expression.  
“We're having a baby” I kissed him softly and unwrapped my arms from his waist.

Maybe this was how things were meant to be, spending my life with someone that i loved. It wasn’t going to be Val, but i knew she was happy watching over me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was honestly one of the funnest things I've written in a while, there's going to be an epilogue so hopefully that'll be up soon.  
> let me know what you guys think!


	6. 6

We were having a boy, according to the ultrasound photos that Meaghan had given to us. Zack was happy it wasn't a girl as in his words “one girl is enough in our friend group”. I think he just secretly wanted a girl of his own. Our little wedding was better than I could've hoped for. Even if Brian definitely ended up getting really drunk and trying to undress me in front of his family. His dad had to make a joke, while my parents gave me very hard stares. The due date for our son was creeping up faster and faster. We had a room all ready for him but it felt strange walking inside, there was going to be a little baby sleeping in their in a matter of days.

“I'm scared Matt, what if I'm a bad parent?” Brian looked over at me with a panicked expression on his face.  
“You're going to be fine now relax, we still have a few more days before her due date anyway” I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Oh please don't be Zack.

I pulled out my phone and internally cringed as I saw Zack's name, he definitely wasn't calling to ask if we had any fucking sugar. I answered the call and pressed the phone to my ear as I heard Meaghan's painful scream in the background. It was time and we weren't ready.

~~~~ 

“Look at him, he's so small” Brian and I were looking down at our son, he had Brian's nose for sure.  
“We get to take him home in two days too, it doesn't feel real at all” I held Brian's hand and smiled. We would be the best parents we could ever be.

We were still struggling to come up with a name though, Brian and I had spent hours picking out names with no such luck on ever sticking with one. And even with the child laying in his little cocoon, we were stumped. Zack had taken over the notebook full of names we had to help us figure out what might work best. He was going to be a Sanders after his father and I. Brian wanted to name him after me, since he was a junior himself.

“Babe, he will hate me when he's older if I do that to him” I held my hands on Brian's face pleading with him. This wouldn't work in the long run.  
“My mom and dad did it with me and things are fine, my dad just has a nickname to help differentiate so we don't call him by his name” Brian was practically ready to drop down to his knees so I would let him name our son after me.  
“Brian, why can't he just have his own name?” I didn't want to argue with him inside the hospital, mostly because it would definitely get awkward.  
“I want him to be named after the most amazing man in my life, that's why” Brian held his hands over top mine and pouted, goddamnit he always won.  
“Fine, but if we have another child I am naming them” I couldn't stay mad as I watched Brian's face light up, even if he was our son I didn't want people to think I gave him my name sake because I was married to a man.

Brian and I both filled out the birth certificate with smiles on our faces. Seven pounds and nine ounces at twenty inches long. He was smaller than Brian or I when we were born.

“He's going to be spoiled with all the girls around him” Zack was looking down at MJ, as I fed him.  
“Meaghan and Krista both will spoil him, not to mention Brian” I shook my head and wiggled the bottle to get him to eat more. He was already a fussy eater. He didn't get that from me.  
“Just wait til he gets a little older and is smiling, Brian will never put him down” Zack chuckled as he son whined loudly from across the room.  
“I just can't believe he's already here, it felt like yesterday Brian and I were discussing his nursery, then we got married and planned for him to be here” I pulled the bottle from his mouth and set it down on the table. He was sound asleep, so burping him was going to be a chore. I patted his back gently and laughed at the loud burp he let out.  
“He gets that from you for sure” I looked up at Zack and smiled.  
“I was starting to think he didn't get anything from me, he looks a lot like Brian already” I laid him against my chest and yawned. I always forgot how tired babies made you feel.  
“When he gets older it'll be obvious who he's related to, your sister donated an egg and Brian donated his sperm” Brian had never told me how the pregnancy had worked, so he truly was a part of both of us. As much as he could be.

Brian had checked to make sure his carseat was strapped in at least fifteen times before I was even allowed to start the car. I understood that he wanted our son to be safe but we needed to get home before it got dark at least. I could hear Brian talking softly to him as I drove, it was peaceful and calming. He was a married man with a son, we both were. And it felt amazing, nothing could tear us down at this point. I was finally where I was meant to be.

 

~~~~~ 

15 Years Later

“Matthew Charles! What the hell are you doing?!” I don't think I had ever been so angry, normally I would understand if MJ was out with his friends being a teenager, but drinking vodka and trying to hide it was not to be accepted.  
“Dad come on, Ryan and I aren't doing anything wrong” MJ looked at me defensively, his dark hazel eyes glaring back at my own.  
“You know I do not tolerate underage drinking in this house hold, we've gone over this at least a thousand times” I took the bottle from his hands and went back into the house. 

Brian had gone on a business trip with a group of other psychologists and therapists to Massachusetts and wouldn't be back for at least another week. I had been telling him about MJ's behavior and how he seemed to only act out more even when I tried to talk to him. Damn rebellious phases. Our daughter Nova was so much different than her brother, she liked hanging around Johnny and Krista's daughter and doing whatever it is teenage girls do. But I never had any trouble with her, no bad grades, no calls from the school that she's lashing out. Nothing. I couldn't understand any of it, why would he act like this now? Was he trying to put me in an early grave? He wasn't always acting out, but when we had to move and change schools he suddenly lashed out at everyone. Brian made sure he had any help he needed so he was able to see his friends whenever, but this behavior was getting on my last nerve.

“Dad, is it okay if Haley and I go to the mall with Aiden?” Nova was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, her eyes locked onto the bottle of vodka still in my hands.  
“Yeah that's fine, just don't stay out too late” I sighed and put the bottle back into the liquor cabinet before locking it.  
“He's doing it because he wants Papa back home, but don't tell him I told you” I looked over at her and frowned, of course MJ wants Brian home. Everyone had missed him terribly, but it was his job.  
“Go have fun, whose taking you guys anyway?” I watched as her lips pulled into a small smile.  
“Uncle Johnny” Oh man, he wasn't going to be a happy man after a few hours of them shopping.  
“Don't be too bad with him, he's old like me remember” I chuckled as Nova rolled her eyes at me. She left with a quick goodbye and the sound of the front door slamming.

I decided to start prepping dinner for tonight, I needed to keep my hands and my mind busy so I wouldn't have to think about MJ. 

I was only able to cut up the vegetables and make the marinade before MJ walked inside by himself, Ryan must have gone home. I shook my head and focused on dicing the onions for the marinade, he was a good kid, really.

“I'm sorry dad” MJ said softly, he was sitting at the island that separated him from myself. I set down the knife I was holding and faced him.  
“Just tell me why” It was more a statement rather than a question  
“Because I miss Papa, it's been over a month why can't he come home?” I could hear the pain in his voice.  
“He's working, trust me your sister and I want him home more than anything right now” This wasn't the first business trip he had gone on, and I was sure it wasn't going to be his last.  
“It's bullshit, they know these people have families and lives outside of work but they don't care” I frowned and crossed my arms across my chest.  
“He's decided to change his career MJ, but it's going to be harder for him to be around stress. I wasn't supposed to tell you until Br-Papa got home, but he's going to be working in the music industry with Uncle Zack” MJ's eyebrows furrowed as he stared at me, his eyes incredulous.  
“Doing what?” MJ didn't seem to be angry, more curious.  
“Producers, they've been talking about it for a while which is why he's on his business trip now, it isn't for therapists, it's because he's trying to figure out the best course of action to deal with recording albums for artists and bands” I walked over to the island and looked down at MJ.  
“So Papa is going to be home more, if he does this?” I didn't have the heart to tell him no in that moment, but he wouldn't be gone for months at a time.  
“Yes” I nodded and looked over as the front door slammed open. A very tired and annoyed Brian stumbling in with his luggage in his arms.  
“Papa!” MJ ran into the living room and wrapped his arms tightly around Brian. This would be a nice shock for Nova to come home to later.

Brian hugged MJ for a few moments before he set his eyes on me, there was a spark that made me a tad bit afraid. That was never a good thing with a man like him. But that was what made our relationship interesting. He always kept me on my toes, but most of all he kept me happy. And if it weren't for losing my girlfriend, and his ex husband. We wouldn't of been together, we wouldn't have two beautiful children together. We would be two strangers who never met. Except we weren't, we're married with children. I found the love of my life in a time where I wasn't sure I wanted to be alive to begin with. He gave me a reason to live. And I would be eternally grateful for him. For the rest of our lives together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this it is!  
> the epilogue i have been trying to write forever  
> i know it's definitely not my best writing but i think it's pretty decent  
> let me know what you guys think of it!


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